“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
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When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Cool shirt 🙂
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?