i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

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Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons


coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar


McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.


I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.


dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
dracula: I will suck u dry
dracula: why do u keep giggling


Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP

Clown 1: My VW Bug. I’m driving the carpool. It’s Streisand.


What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?


‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks


tried on a bra in Primark & it was nice so I went to buy it but there was no tag so the guy went to find a supervisor to get a code, comes back & goes “this isn’t ours, it’s a swap” so someone has literally left THEIR OWN BRA on a hanger in order to shoplift one AND I TRIED IT ON


[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”