i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.