@Kauaibride

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

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@ThugRaccoons

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

@TheAlexNevil

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

@OneyeBogey

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

@RandomManik

Out of all Katherine Heigl films, I enjoyed the one where she starts with being a prude but ends up having fun with a guy and falls in love.

@bourgeoisalien

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

@toastymoe

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

@Robert_Beau

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

@AbbyHasIssues

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.