When you forget your mom follows you on Snapchat
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Out of all Katherine Heigl films, I enjoyed the one where she starts with being a prude but ends up having fun with a guy and falls in love.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
At Toys R Us:
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.