I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏