Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.