I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
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It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I love wikipedia
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US