I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Anyone want a chair?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
what’s really going on
me before I type out affect or effect
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
fired
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*