I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Worth remembering.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep