I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
You Might Also Like
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
a fate I wish upon no one
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.