I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*