the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I just think of unfollowers as me paying my Follower Tax.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”