I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
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I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
won’t smith
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..