Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
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If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.
I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
HIM: The chicken dance!