@djdarrellripley

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

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@caseytduncan

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

@HomeProbably

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

@EllenPallas

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

@rodtopia

I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.

I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.

@ReelQuinn

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

@flashember

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

@batkaren

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!