@djdarrellripley

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

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@Carbosly

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

@dinnersruined

*hands you a marijuana*
“This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”

@IamEnidColeslaw

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

@LostFelicia

I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head

@thetits

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

@weenbeans

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

@SlappNuttz

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

@_troyjohnson

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.