I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
If only.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
The glockness monster
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.