My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
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Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Advertisers think we’re like “Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it’s selling!”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.