I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
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Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
That took me a moment.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍