I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

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Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!


other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread


I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.


me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”


ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*


[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep


No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.


Good cop: You have the right to remain silent

Girlfriend cop: What’s wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad? I hate when you’re lik