I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
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Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Candles never taste the way they smell
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic