@theshantilly

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

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@thelateinnings

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

@TheCatWhisprer

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

@internetluke

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

@Jade_VK

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

@The_Whip_Hand

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

@yeaanotherchris

I wonder if anyone has ever tweeted about how much they love coffee in the morning?

@SaltyCorpse

Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?

@Jake_Vig

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

@BoobsRadley

Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick

Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body