cop: did anyone follow you here
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
Now watch as I try to put it out
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
“There must be a better way!”
-Inventing the bread bowl
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I wonder if anyone has ever tweeted about how much they love coffee in the morning?
Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick
Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body