I may be small, but so is a grenade.
You Might Also Like
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.