Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
me after drinking all the wine:
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
#Caturday