I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
You Might Also Like
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting