“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
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It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Oh my god
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD