I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
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Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dear Lord..
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.