I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

You Might Also Like


My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.


LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea


Never trust a woman with a shovel, she’s not planting flowers fella.


Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…


*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Table: No


Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.


I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.


I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.


[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]