I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
The most important thing in life is to be yourself, unless you can be Batman…always go with Batman
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?