@samalmightysam
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
@Erin1137
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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@samalmightysam
@PaperWash
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
@TweetsByKaylee
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
@noog
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
@GrowlyGrego
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
@Andrea__B__
The most important thing in life is to be yourself, unless you can be Batman…always go with Batman
@RandallOtisTV
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
@KylePlantEmoji
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
@BlackCatBettie
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
@PleaseBeGneiss
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?