I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…