@msdanifernandez
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
@Erin1137
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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@msdanifernandez
@jonnysun
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
@PondHockeyPro
Never trust a woman with a shovel, she’s not planting flowers fella.
@lecalabara
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
@noog
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
@annaetuck
Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.
@FilthyRichmond
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
@ShittyComedian
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
@Tuna_Lover
I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.
@blade_funner
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.