*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?