@Matt_The_1st

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

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@Browtweaten

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

@TheAlexNevil

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

@ValeeGrrl

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

@joe_binkley

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

@Eagle_Vision

Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.

@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

@themorris23

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

@Marcmywords2

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

@RunwayDan

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?