I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
what
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.