me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
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Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.