I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
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I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
need him
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Squirrels before girls.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!