I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!