@MommaUnfiltered

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

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@TheToddWilliams

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

@djdarrellripley

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

@jazmasta

Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.

@MichaelTrying

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

@Rica_Bee

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

@BoomBoomBetty

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

@ShootyDoody

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

@sixfootcandy

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.