I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.