BOSS: Any special skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
ME: That means words
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Who were the kings of disco?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.