I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.