@tayandmae

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

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@ArfMeasures

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

@Victoryoftheppl

Apple Maps: Our artisanal cartographers hope you enjoy this pleasant journey. 28 min

Google Maps: Our algorithm has determined an optimal path for the most efficient route given current traffic conditions. 25 min

Waze: Drive through this dude’s living room. 17 min

@sixfootcandy

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

@fightforfood

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

@RBColl

Seriously waiting for a four year old to make it to any of those 30 under 30 lists.

@Fenyris

I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won’t think I’m pooping. So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty professional.

@jesseddy

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

@zachreinert03

I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate