[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing
Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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Apple Maps: Our artisanal cartographers hope you enjoy this pleasant journey. 28 min
Google Maps: Our algorithm has determined an optimal path for the most efficient route given current traffic conditions. 25 min
Waze: Drive through this dude’s living room. 17 min
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Seriously waiting for a four year old to make it to any of those 30 under 30 lists.
I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won’t think I’m pooping. So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty professional.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”
Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate