I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup