I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
this is literally a CIA plant
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Good morning
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone