I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Quadruple digit IQ
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
the answer was staring at me all along
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets