I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.