@BrettDruck

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

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@LOsepyan

If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.

@onion_an

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

@patrickmarkryan

You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook

@SaraMansford

Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You’re doing great work, but I’ve identified a bunch of people you’ve overlooked.

@zachreinert03

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

@stuckinaportal

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

@fro_vo

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

@TheTweetOfGod

It’s weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.