If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
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Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook
Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You’re doing great work, but I’ve identified a bunch of people you’ve overlooked.
Friends are like balloons; if you stab them, they die.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
It’s weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.