[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin