I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

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My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.


Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.


Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.


I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.


TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir


Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.


The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle


horse: [falls in water] haha whoops
seahorse: You are outside of your domain.
horse: no see haha it was an accident, i fell-
seahorse: The ancient pact has been violated. The invasion begins.
horse: wait wha-


I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.