I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
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I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
cat vs inanimate object