I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
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Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
asked my bf how work was today
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe