Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
– Deletes FB account
– Leaves Social Media
– Moves to Himalayas
– Pigeon comes with a note
– Opens note
– Candycrush request
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Me: It’s a cardigan.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?