@SkinnieTalls

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

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@GaryJanetti

Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.

@briangaar

“Sir, I need you to explain your resume.”
Well, my pet tiger & I were beloved cartoon characters
“Current job?”
I pee on things I don’t like

@Robert_Beau

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

@PhilJamesson

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

@rachelle_mandik

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

@h0sh1ko

GUYS THE TEQUILA KARAOKE GUY MADE IT TO AMERICA’S GOT TALENT AND ACTUALLY GOT FOUR YESES IM CRYING

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

@jonnysun

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

@That_One_Dude24

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.