Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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“Sir, I need you to explain your resume.”
Well, my pet tiger & I were beloved cartoon characters
I pee on things I don’t like
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
Why does laundry happen to good people?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
GUYS THE TEQUILA KARAOKE GUY MADE IT TO AMERICA’S GOT TALENT AND ACTUALLY GOT FOUR YESES IM CRYING
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.