@thealux

I mean, that’s one reason, sure.

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@Book_Krazy

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

@grammar_c**t

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

@iwearaonesie

[dinner]
son *sigh* What a day
wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond*
me *slides my beer over to him*
wife *kicks me harder*

@SortaBad

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

@karencreets

Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not

@bananagrvyrd

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

@jakob_huber

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

@LizHackett

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

@CopBroughtPizza

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…