Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that