Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
son *sigh* What a day
wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond*
me *slides my beer over to him*
wife *kicks me harder*
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…