I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“you changed” bro i was 15
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I would like even faster food.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Bloody internet 😳
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do