[guy who’s about to invent the cauldron]
*holding a saucepan* i wish this was spooky
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me
My teenage son: nice
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
“Do you remember that time we-“
Let me stop you right there, no.
Time to get ready for work
Insomnia – OK. You can sleep now.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.