i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

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Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…


[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]


@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.


Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…



Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?


8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles


This relationship is over. Over. ~dumping someone via walkie talkie.


I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii


Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.