I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
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reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”