I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.