WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
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A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won’t get you anything decent
Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
mom: no politics tonight
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
When explaining to your mother how to work the volume on her phone, “there’s only 3 buttons” is apparently the wrong answer.
Expect a 20 minute rant.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.