Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
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When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.