@LionJenkins

I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.

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@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

@SortaBad

A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won’t get you anything decent

@gentilecoont

Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.

@JasonLastname

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

@bonehugsnirony

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

@ProdigyNelson

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

@Mechaniz10

When explaining to your mother how to work the volume on her phone, “there’s only 3 buttons” is apparently the wrong answer.

Expect a 20 minute rant.

@nonchalantnacho

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

@Desert_Musings

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.