I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.

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Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.


oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples


“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”


On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.


I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.


OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??


[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello


I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.