Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.
I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.
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oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life
Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.