@EtobicokeErnie

I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.

You Might Also Like

@KeyLimeShy

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

@causticbob

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

@fro_vo

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

@SentenceReduced

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

@PaperWash

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

@That_Damn_Duck

Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

@thenatewolf

*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter*

Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.

@TheMichaelRock

Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.