I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.

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Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”


Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?


INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then


Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.


Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.


Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.


[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.


*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter*

Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.


Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.