@EtobicokeErnie

I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.

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@RobDenBleyker

Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.

@JhonRules

oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples

@UncleDuke1969

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

@BlondAmbitionTO

On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.

@Donna_McCoy

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

@barbhaynes

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

@SteveSuckington

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

@SeanLowe09

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.