I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”


PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol


My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.


[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here


Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, “How could you do this to me” and then runs off crying?


Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.


The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…



today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born


Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming “I’M YOU FROM THE “FUTURE!” in their faces..


“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam to Eve on their wedding night