I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
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No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
The best shot in the history of golf
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd