I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
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I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
classic mixup
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.