I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
You Might Also Like
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.