@Jandalize

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

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@envydatropic

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

@TweetPotato314

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

@Jandalize

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

@Reverend_Scott

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

@awescar

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

@AndreyasAsylum

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

@junejuly12

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

@Jenny4ashley

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

@KentWGraham

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.