I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

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A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.


Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on


Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?


*wakes up from surgery

How did it go?

Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice


It turns out if you cry at the DMV they’ll let you take a second photo


If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.


Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?


Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues


soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah