I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.