@envydatropic
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
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@envydatropic
@TweetPotato314
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
@Jandalize
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
@avainwordland
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
@Reverend_Scott
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
@awescar
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
@AndreyasAsylum
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
@junejuly12
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
@Jenny4ashley
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
@KentWGraham
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.