I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though