A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
*wakes up from surgery
How did it go?
Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they’ll let you take a second photo
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.