I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

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I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.


me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference



weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]


Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.


Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.


Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?


Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.


I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.


How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall


You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.