I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Succinctly put.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.